When you need to look for someone else to talk to your loved one.

A simple conversation can have a profound effect on the life of an addict. I’ve outlined why I believe this, and shared some very specific advice about HOW to have that conversation in an ebook, which you can get below.

I can summarize that document like this. Conversations that help addicts are characterized by empathy, support for the autonomy of the addict, and involve lots of non-judgmental listening.

But sometimes YOU might not be able to provide empathy, support for autonomy, or be a non-judgmental sounding-board to an addict. In that case, you might not be the best person to hold that conversation. In fact, you might make things worse.

The best way to know if your conversations are helping or making things worse is to analyze the conversations you currently have with an addict. If the addict you are talking to expresses some ambivalence about quitting—you are on the right track. Keep talking.

But if your conversations are characterized by any of these four items, you should step aside and look for someone else to talk to the addict.

• Defensiveness

• Criticism

• Contempt

• Stonewalling

Defensiveness. Defensiveness is characterized by excuse-making and justification. The presence of defensiveness suggests that the addict feels threatened. They may feel that you want to take away the substance before they are ready. Or that you are trying to take away their autonomy. Conversations that are helpful, emphasize the autonomy and competence of the addict. So, they do not provoke defensiveness.

If your conversations with an addict contain statements like these, you might want to consider finding someone else to have the conversation.

• “You don’t know how hard it is quit!”

• “I wanted to go to the appointment. But, I was too sick.”

• “I’ve got too much going on right now.”

• “I have never missed a day of work. What I do on my own time is my business.”

• “Maybe I don’t want to live my life how you live yours?”

Criticism. With criticism, one person points out the flaws in the other and passes judgement. Criticism can come in the forms of nagging, disapproval, critiquing, fixing, and unsolicited advice-giving. It is HIGHLY unlikely that an addict is respond positively to criticism. You probably won’t hear this: “You know. I hadn’t thought of it that way. I can see I have some work to do. Thank you for caring enough to share this with me.”

Instead, criticism is most likely to provoke defensiveness in the addict.

Helpful conversations are positive and affirming. They start out on the right foot. They focus on strengths. And they support the autonomy of the addict by being open to the addict’s ideas and desires.

If your conversation sound anything like this. Consider finding someone else to talk to your loved-one.

• “You smell like a brewery and you haven’t done a lick of yard work in the last two weeks.”

  
  

• “What happened to the $200 dollars we were saving? Did you smoke it all?”

  
  

• “Why can’t you do the responsible thing for once?

Of course, an addict can criticize, too.

• “Maybe if you’d get off my back, I could get a minute to breathe.”

  
  

• “I only drink this much to cope with your constant nagging.”

Finally, some really clever people like to disguise their criticism as compliments. Don’t kid yourself. These are attacks, too.

• “When we were first married, you had time for me.”

• “You were such a sweet child. I had such high hopes for you.”

• “So you made it to work on time, for once.”

• “You finally did something about that car sitting in the driveway.”

Contempt. Contempt is an expression of anger, hostility, and disgust directed at the person. It may seem similar to criticism, but it is different. Contempt implies that the other person is unworthy of respect—or is beneath you. Mockery, mimicry, cruel sarcasm, name-calling, insults, eye-rolling. . . there are lots of ways to tell someone you don’t respect them.

Of course conversations that help are based on mutual respect, not contempt. They treat each person as God’s image-bearer. In helpful conversations we see the addict as capable of change and deserving of empathy and understanding.

Righteous anger might be your instinctive response. But, Theodore Roosevelt’s statement seems appropriate, “People don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care.” And contempt is the opposite of caring.

Contempt is a very serious sign that a relationship is trouble. If your conversations sound or look anything like this, seek help and don’t delay.

• “Oh look. She actually got out of bed. Are you planning on doing anything useful today Your Highness?”

• “Don’t even talk to me right now. I’m over it. I can’t take another one of your pathetic excuses.”

• “Here. TAKE IT. Take my last 10 dollars. I hope it kills you.”

• “This is what I go to work for? So you can sit around on your a** and watch TV and get high all day?”

• Rolls eyes, “I guess you ‘really mean it’ this time. How stupid of me to doubt you just because you’ve messed up every opportunity that’s been handed to you in the last 5 years.”

• Imitates son’s voice, “I am going to look for a job today.” Then adds “Yeah, right! I’ll believe it when I see it.”

Stonewalling. Stonewalling is when one person checks out of the conversation. Addicts can stonewall by not showing up for—or not returning to—appointments. They may fail to respond to texts and phone calls. They may “ghost” you. If they are stuck and can’t leave the conversation, they may turn away from the person speaking to them. They might get a glassy stare. Their only responses might be grunts and shoulder shrugs—or one word answers.

Stonewalling is a sign that an addict feels attacked and is trying to avoid a fight. Internally, a person who is stonewalling is probably trying to self-soothe by thinking, “This can’t go on forever. They have to run out of steam at some point. Just keep breathing and you can get through this.”

I don’t have any statements of what stonewalling might look like because stonewalling is all about silence and body posture.

However, you will know if you are getting stonewalled. It will probably frustrate you. You’ll either try to get the person’s attention somehow—or you’ll leave in frustration.

If you are getting stonewalled, it’s time to look for someone else to talk to your loved one.

CLICK HERE to learn about Christian Counselors that may help you have more productive conversations with your loved ones.

Get a FREE Ebook on “Listening” that will give you expert tips on how to have a helpful conversation with an addict.

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