Resilient Recovery

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The fear of asking for help

About a year ago, I had a painful experience of helper impotence. A man that was attending Resilient online experienced a relapse. In psychological jargon, he “decompensated”.

Everything seemed fine for months. The man--we can call him Bob—enjoyed his job, was making inroads with estranged family members, and was happily volunteering at church to perform routine maintenance on the church grounds.

Without much explanation, he expressed sadness in one meeting. A week later, he reported having relapsed. Something happened at work that caused him to worry he had already lost his job due to drinking.

Then, silence.

 I called and texted. A member of Resilient who lived in the area did the same. That member’s husband went to Bob’s house and knocked on the door. Bob’s pastor got involved.

In the silence, a small signal seemed to sound. Bob agreed to attend Resilient when a friend said he would log on to the meeting with him as emotional support and for accountability purposes.

The friend joined the next meeting. But, Bob never showed.

A week or two later, relatives gained access to Bob’s house with the help of local police. The house was littered with empty beer cans. Bob had apparently fallen while drunk and suffered a deadly concussion.

It was a gut punch. A tragedy. A seemingly pointless and demoralizing loss for his family and for the Resilient Group.

I couldn’t help but think of Bob in this week’s Resilient meetings. The topic was “asking for help”. We asked, “why do we resist asking for help?”

  • I was going to church and things were good. But with my drinking and gambling, I just stopped going. I didn’t feel right going there anymore.

  • I’ve asked for help and people gossiped about it, or “threw it in my face” in a later argument

  • Pride

  • Thinking that my problem wasn’t that bad and I “should” be able to solve it without help. I thought I was being moocher if I asked for help with something most people can do easily on their own: not drink excessively.

As often happens in a group like this, we ask the question and each person who answers provides a little more information about the topic.

In this case, we saw that our bad behavior becomes a wedge between us and the people, places, and things that could help us get sober. I am reminded of how Adam and Eve hid from God after they ate from the forbidden tree. I also think of Cain, who was warned that sin was crouching down like a lion ready to devour him. Instead of asking for help with his jealousy, he murdered his brother.

But, the most surprising answer to me was a simple one: Fear.

What would make us fearful of asking for help?

That’s not a question I can answer easily. But, it seems that if we want Resilient Recovery Groups to provide as much help as possible, we’ll need to find ways to overcome fear.