How to control your Anger. A Christian approach to relapse prevention.
“Is it cravings or something else
that puts you at risk of relapse?”
I asked this question in a recent Resilient Recovery Meeting. I asked it because even a small window into the frustrating phenomenon of relapses could be helpful in preventing them.
As we talked, each individual gave a unique response. What was somewhat shocking—although maybe it shouldn’t have been—was how many people said anger plays in relapses.
Several individuals described how anger and frustration with life circumstances had led to a “who cares” moment. In each case, they were like a person who became frustrated while building a complicated model airplane. At a certain point, they decided to smash the model to pieces. Nothing seemed adequate to the frustration they felt. Only the self-directed destruction and mayhem of a relapse were commensurate to the rage.
Recovery had them, “mad as hell, and [they weren’t] taking it anymore!”
If recovery was a job, they quit!
So, how can we manage episodes of anger?
Two weak answers.
One answer to this question comes from Eastern Philosophy. Sadhguru explains in this video that nothing is really good or bad. Things just are. The more we resist, judge, or try to change the way things are, the angrier we get. He encourages his followers to cultivate a “willingness” to experience life as it is. He believes that “willingness” makes a heaven of hell, and unwillingness makes a hell of heaven.
Another answer comes from the world of entrepreneurship. Gary Vaynerchuk says that haters and tough situations fuel his desire to succeed. Opposition and frustrating events invigorate Gary V. because they give him something to fight against and an opportunity to prove himself. I think of this approach as the warrior approach. Gary V. won’t back down; he’ll rise to the challenge.
Both of these answers have a certain appeal. But, I find them lacking. Each answer ignores the genuine pain and hardship in life. Eastern Philosophy encourages a detachment from life through a practice of willingness: “you become so willing in response to life, that you have no will of your own.” And the entrepreneurship/warrior approach pretends that getting punched in the face doesn’t hurt: “Keep punching me, dude. Each time your fist connects with my face, it’s a delicious PowerBar that fuels my amazing work output!”
The Jesus answer.
Jesus doesn’t teach willingness or warriorship. His answer is love.
He loves us by honoring the fact that our pain and frustration are real and justifiable. He says, “In this world, you will have trouble.” And, in calling it trouble, he acknowledges that trouble exists. He calls things what they are. He calls cruelty, cruelty. He calls suffering, suffering. He doesn’t downplay their significance. He more than anyone knows what it is like to experience trouble. He is a man of sorrows, acquainted with suffering. Rather than accept or fight this world, he redeems it, like a man who makes great sacrifices to get something precious back from the grips of a pawnbroker.
Given that Jesus’ answer is love, here are some ways that Christians can handle anger.
Cast your cares upon the Lord. When we become frustrated and angry, getting away and spending time in prayer is an incredible gift. When we tell Jesus about our frustrations, we are telling someone who knows what frustration is like. The Bible says Jesus was tempted in every way, just as we are. Jesus is not some stone-faced idol who stares at us out of a temple. He is a living, breathing human being who understands—and more than that—he wants to understand. He listens. He cares. So talk to him. Tell him how you feel. [See the video below]
Pray for your enemy. Whether you are mad at a person, a situation, a business, a branch of government. . . or whatever you are angry at. . . pray for it. Don’t make the mistake of praying for yourself:
“I pray that she learns some humility”
“I pray they get some ethics”
“I pray he will see the error of his ways”
“I pray he will repent and turn to you”
The above are prayers for you. They are prayers that you will win the day. Instead, pray for your enemy. When you pray for your enemy, you are praying that your enemy will win the day. You pray for their success, their achievement, their victory. You bless those who curse you.
“Lord, if it is your will, I pray that my wife/case manager/boss/brother would win this battle”
“Lord, please give my enemy everything they need”
“Lord please bless my enemy. Please cause blessings to rain down on them and strengthen them”
If you are like me, you will find that praying for your enemy physically hurts. Your flesh does not like this process. Your sinful side wants to win the conflict. It believes it must win. Your sinful side is certain that your enemy is dangerous, wicked, and unfair. It wants them stopped, not protected by God.
But, praying for your enemies will mortify your anger—literally, that means it will put your anger to death. It is worth the pain, both psychological and physical. Once dead, your anger can be buried in the ground. From its coffin, love and empathy will grow. You are preparing yourself for the next step, which is to do good to those that persecute you.
Do good unto those that persecute you. This step is active. It goes beyond well-wishing, and positive vibes all the way to action. This step happens in the real world. How you can do good to your enemy is something that will likely be unique to each situation. But, the possibilities are endless.
Of course, doing the above is impossible. Only Jesus ever did it successfully. But there are tremendous benefits in simply trying. And even better benefits in depending on Jesus each time we fail. He is so kind and gracious and he promises us a future where we really will love our enemies, bless those that curse us and do good to those that persecute us. I’m looking forward to being transformed into that person.
In the meantime, check out one of our online resilient groups where people are trying and failing and trying again. They are doing this with each other and with Jesus. You can also enjoy this gospel song from the Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin. She reminds us to get Jesus on the mainline and, “tell him what you want.”
